Forethought

What have I gotten myself into?

I start grad school in less than two weeks. This is what I have wanted. I knew I wanted to go to grad school before I had even finished my Sophomore year of undergrad. I just can't help but doubt myself. Am I really capable of going through with this?

Drive. There are many things I am passionate about. I feel this goes beyond the "typical" social work mentality of wanting to change the world, or to make a difference. I am sure my whole cohort will feel the same way about themselves. I want to change myself, to make a difference with who I am. Is this a selfish mentality for a social worker? Is work any different than a relationship? How can I be the best at a job, when I don't know my limits, don't know myself?

Think. To be completely cliche', I am starting a new chapter in my life. It was brought to my attention today that my father hasn't even completed his Bachelor's degree yet, and I am about to start my Masters. I realized a few years ago that I am the one who loads the pressure on. I am the one who brings myself to tears because of the stress. I am the only one who ever doubts my abilities.

Challenge. My biggest challenge while in graduate school will not be meeting the reading deadlines, and meeting the paper requirements... the biggest challenge will be me not driving myself completely insane. I need to carry confidence. I need to remind myself daily why I am doing this.

Balance. I will be working full time. I will continue to give myself to a relationship, while also trying to stay grounded and true. I will be working with new people, in a new school, in a still very new city.

Mindfulness. I must practice being in the moment, ever moment. I cannot fill my head with thoughts of what happened, or what will happen. I only have control over now. I cannot fill my head with expectations. Reality is never what was expected, and this can only lead to disappointments.

I am going to find my world, and with all my heart... give myself to it.

Finding The Good

Every day is filled with moments. Every moment can set off an emotion. Every moment can be taken a billion directions.

It is important for me to notice moments throughout the day. I feel if I don't notice, give attention to, and appreciate them, good or bad, I will take advantage of my day. In a completely non-religious way, everyday is a gift.

Moments

...I enjoy the moments before I open my eyes in the morning. I can feel my significant other starting to wake. He pulls me close. I can feel his restlessness and unwillingness to get out of bed. Morning kisses...a start to the day.These are my first moments...joyous bliss.

...I saw a boy on the street this morning. He was holding the hand of a little girl, who I will assume was his sister. This scene made me smile. I saw innocence, and love.

...A woman I work with who I am learning from. She's an older lady who I have taken to look at like a grandmother. I never really had a grandmother. I appreciate her spirit, and she always tells me she appreciates mine. I enjoy my moments with her.

...I smile at a man in the store, and it is not returned, instead he looks at me as though I asked him for money.

...A woman yells at her children as they are pulling items off the shelves

It is easy for moments to change our attitude, our state of mind, and our behavior. I too often allow negativity to enter into my life and into my heart. A man may cut me off in traffic, or someone may be really rude on the phone, but I am the only one who can control how that effects me. Find the good...