Corked

I have been saving all my wine corks for a few years now. I am not quite sure what I will be doing with all of them… 


But I am getting some ideas…

Maybe I'll just settle for a few cork boards…. 

Defining Success & Happiness

This post was inspired by several encounters I have had over the past few months. Every day I work with clients who wish to pursue something that they feel will better their lives, make them happy, and overall make them successful. My clients come to me and expect me to have the answers; they expect me to provide them with success and happiness. What an expectation, right?

One particular client said, “I’ll get my degree and be successful. Then I’ll get married and have some kids, and be happy.”  I looked at him and said, “So, what is it you hope to be successful at?  What kind of company do you want to work for? What kind of work do you think will make you happy?”  He shoots me a quizzical look and in a tone that insinuates he is speaking to a moron, replies, “Whatever, whoever offers me the most attractive package, of course.” 

We all want to be successful, we all want to be happy, but if we haven’t bothered to define for ourselves what “success” and “happiness” mean, we end up chasing something vague and elusive, never really knowing if and when we have arrived.  While I am on my own path of defining what success and happiness mean to me, I share with you a philosophy and suggestions which may benefit anyone who cares to live what Henry David Thoreau called “an examined life”.   

   

1.       Recognize that you are a product of a “Success-Obsessed Culture”.

While the attitude and perspective of my client about his future appears both shallow and short-sighted, it should be anything but surprising.  He, like most of us, in addition to everything else he may have learned, acquired, or experienced, did not escape being a product of a deeply success-obsessed culture.  Despite the messages you may have received from your family, your church or your cultural heritage, if you were born and raised in North America, you were raised with a societal backdrop promoting the idea that success is the all-redeeming virtue and that the acquisition of status and wealth is the single worthy aim of life.  Through our parents, teachers, and coaches, through the media, the books we read and the movies we watch, the underlying message that persists is that the ultimate measuring stick of a life or a career is that of “worldly success”.  Success, by this definition, has little to do with the level of happiness, purpose, or engagement one might be experiencing in their life or work, but by how many letters come after their name, how much money they make, how far up the professional ladder they’ve climbed, the current value of their portfolio, yada, yada, yada.  

William James, considered a modern father of psychology, once referred to “the moral flabbiness of the bitch-goddess success” and described the culture’s craving for success as a “national disease”.  We’ve all seen how the compulsive, unexamined obsession with success can run amuck in the life of a person, a workplace, or a community.  Symptoms of this “national disease” include peptic ulcers, broken marriages, crazy lifestyles, and the most universally accepted addiction of our time – the addiction to work.  This fast-paced, manic, success-driven society as we have come to know it values speed over pace, effort over effectiveness, adrenaline over purpose and busyness over discernment.  Driven by the desire to be Number One, to produce the smallest, the cheapest, or the first to arrive on the market, we often confuse change with growth and innovation with progress.  As writer Robert Holden put it, “In our relentless pursuit of success, we are all fast-forwarding to nowhere in particular.”  In short, we have sacrificed much of our sanity and our wisdom at the altar of “supposed success”.   We’re surely driven; we’re surely busy, even if we ain't too smart.  

2.       Live on your own terms and by your own definitions.   

Here’s the good news that I am trying to remind myself daily. I am going into Social Work after all, you know, a field that you often feel powerless as the problems are so vast and hard to grip.

Society’s terms don’t need to be our terms.  We can be acculturated and we can rise above the conditioning of our culture.   We can sleepwalk through life and live according to other people’s standards and definitions, or we can wake up and determine the course we want our own life to take.  But it begins by knowing where we’re going, why we’re going there, and what direction will take us there. 

Life doesn’t equip us with meaning, we apply meaning to Life.  Everyone responds to the notion of a “dream home” but what constitutes a dream home for one person would be a living hell for another.  What’s yours -  a high rise condo in Upper Manhattan, a rustic cottage on an obscure beach, or a tent pitched under a million stars somewhere in the Rockies?  If we care to live an examined life, does it not follow that we have to examine carefully what it is that inspires us, what motivates us to do what we do, and what is behind our current ambitions?  Clearly, our definitions matter.

3.       Knowing how much is “enough”.

While the vast majority of people in North America will tell you that their primary reason for working is to make money, making money is not a pursuit itself, but a tool for pursuing something else.  Money itself has no inherent value – the value is produced only when we exchange money for other things.  Whether it’s making the rent, the acquisition of a new purse, the thrill of a trip around the world, or the security of a retirement plan – the true value of money is only produced when it is exchanged for something else. 

In our collective and largely unconscious pursuit of money, we should be asking what it is we are really bargaining for, what we hope to gain in its exchange.  This is important because financial experts repeatedly remind us that most people don’t know how much money they really need to do the things they want, and thus, often wildly overestimate or underestimate how much money they need in exchange for their desired life.  I am definitely guilty of this. According to near-unanimous scientific research, pursuing wealth for wealth’s sake won’t get you very far.  A certain amount of money produces happiness and a bit more produces a bit more happiness, but beyond that, the correlation between money and life satisfaction is null.  How will my client discern the most “attractive package”, if he doesn’t know what it is he is ultimately trying to attract?  How do we know how much money is “enough” if we aren’t clear what it is we are hoping to exchange it for?

4.       Own the price exacted by your ambitions. 

In the pursuit of money and success, we can certainly be ambitious.  Ambition can be a wonderful thing – it is a force that inspires vision, drive and determination to accomplish whatever is in our mind’s eye.   The fundamental issue, however, is what we are being ambitious about.  Each of us must discern for ourselves the answers to questions like the following:

Are your ambitions supporting you in becoming your best self or are they exacting a price from your soul? 

What are the potential benefits and sacrifices of attaining the kind of success you seek?  

Are you choosing your ambitions or are they choosing you? 

Are the values and emotions driving your current ambitions the ones you would purposely choose to have behind the wheel of your life?

Who/what are you trying to please, impress, persuade, or influence through your current ambitions?

Who/what share the cost of your ambitions in terms of your time, energy and attention?

These questions and others like them lead us back to our personal understanding and defining of success and happiness, purpose and meaning.  I remember a friend who told me that he was here “to play” – the world for him was one big playground.  He was a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie who continually pushed his limits through adventures like hang-gliding, deep sea diving, parachuting, etc.  Another friend used the words of Mother Teresa to describe how she most wanted to live her life – as a love letter to God.   Is it any surprise that she wants to spend her life advocating for the rights of the poor?  Both were extremely ambitious, but in very different ways.

5.       Think of success as a stopping place rather than a destination.

Personally, I have very little affinity to the concept of “being successful” in general terms, although I am willing to use the term in relation to particular events.  In other words, I can relate to “success” simply as a place along a road, a temporary stopping place, or an experience such as an ‘A’ on a paper, a planned surprise that went off without a hitch, or a client lands a job.  Likewise, there are specific achievements that herald “success” like earning a degree or a diploma, or landing a position.   At times like these, we certainly know what it is to enjoy “moments” of success. But who gets to a place where they can say, “Okay, I have arrived.  I’m there!  I have achieved all the success I set out to attain. I get to sit on my glory now.”  I don’t know about you, but if and when I ever did arrive at that place, I would be looking for a new definition of success!

I don’t think human beings are made for being perfectly content in the here and now, at least not for a very long “here and now”.  An hour of sitting by the ocean, sure.  A week of holidays in Tuscany, I’m in.  But we don’t just want to be happy in life; we want to be engaged, challenged, curious, growing, surprised, and evolving.  Wouldn’t we prefer to experience the entire spectrum of human emotions than to hang out indeterminately on the “happy end” of the life scale?  Isn’t growth the only evidence of a vital life? And if so, doesn’t growth require a reaching and a stretching beyond what is comfortable? So even if there is a “there” in terms of achieving some level of success, it will only satisfy for a certain amount of time before it becomes the new starting point by which to judge the next “there”.  As George Bernard Shaw put it, “I always dreaded the thought of success.  I prefer the continual state of becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.”

6.       Clarify and define what success means to you in its many shapes and forms.

While we were raised in a culture that defines success in the narrowest terms, usually relating it to one’s financial and professional achievements, the trajectory of our lives is wider, deeper, and more complex than what is reflected on our resume or in our bank accounts.  Our understanding, definitions, and perspective on success need to reflect that more expansive and diverse spectrum of life experience.  While one is grappling with vocational issues, she may be rockin’ in the realm of her physical exertion and stamina.  Another has failed to reach his financial goals, but has earned the title of “Employee of the Month” by his inspired colleagues.  In the same way that “Success” is more temporary than permanent, it is also far more multi-dimensional than it is unilateral.          

With that in mind, consider how you define “success” in the following dimensions of your life:  What would mark your success in each of these areas, letting you know when you have met each of these goals or aspirations?   

Education and Professional Goals:

What do you hope to achieve in relation to your education?

What do you hope to do or accomplish in relation to your current job or your career goals?

What does “success at work” look like to you?

What talents and gifts have you been given that you want to most fully develop and put to use in your work?

What would you like to be part of or contribute to in relation to your community or to your profession?

Acquisition Goals:

What do you want to have, save for, and acquire? 

What worldly goods or possessions would make you feel as if you have succeeded in some way? 

What does your dream home look like?

What belongings or possessions will tell you that you’ve “made it”? A house that’s your own, a fabulous shoe collection, or the funds to travel around the world?

How much money do you need to make to feel like you have “arrived” in your field? 

How much money do you need to make or save in order to feel accomplished and comfortable as a breadwinner for your family?

Personal/Relational/Spiritual Goals:

What kind of person do you want to be? 

What qualities and attributes do you wish to develop and earn a reputation for? 

If you were famous for anything, what would you like to be famous for?

What legacy do you hope to leave those you love?  

What part do you want to play in the lives of others? 

What are you here to give and teach the world, and what are you here to learn and receive?

7.       Live the questions.

This list only scratches the surface of the many questions worthy of our time and attention as we come to terms with our own definitions of success.  I will be adding to the list, and I encourage you to add your own to the list.  Likewise, be aware of how the responses to these questions and others like them will change and morph over time, as we “live the questions” as Rainer Marie Rilke so wisely advised us to do. 

I think it’s valuable to take the time to consider and be clear about what we are willing to sacrifice in order to have what we want to have and to do what we want to do, because in the end, what will matter most is who we are and what we have become.  In this noble venture, my friends, I wish you great success!

San Francisco!

I am so excited for December, and even though it is months away, I am already in planning mode. Let me explain why…


My parents have graciously given Noah and I an AMAZING early Christmas present! The brief backstory is that I (thanks to my father) am a HUGE Pittsburg Steelers fan. Seriously, pretty huge fan. But the funny thing is, I have never been to an NFL game. SO, my Dad and Step-Mom, have paid for Noah and I to fly to San Francisco, have paid for a rental car, our hotel room AND… to see the Pittsburg Steelers play the 49ers!! I nearly dropped the phone - I was jumping up and down. How amazing, right? 


Now, we are there for a Monday Night game (if it could get any more awesome) and we get there on a Friday. We have so much time to play! The boy has never been to San Francisco, so we will have to ride the trolly, eat delicious food, and of course visit the infamous Golden Gate Bridge. Incredible! 


I am already planning what I'll be wearing to the game. I'm thinking my Polamalu jersey, an awesome hat, maybe some black and yellow gloves (is San Francisco cold in December?) and my face will definitely be painted! 




Is it December yet? 

I get to see him in real life… holy crap! 

Kinda want to do this… Kinda. 

If you have ever been to San Francisco and have some suggestions- let me know! 

Super Suck Sunday

SUPER

• Enjoying a wonderful weekend with no responsibility or obligations. Yummy meals, movies and lounging. I didn't even mind doing laundry. 
• Catching someone do something super embarrassing. C'mon, it's funny! I saw a guy picking his nose while at a red light. Seriously, he was digging. Not like that episode of Seinfeld. 

• Having an awesome co-worker that leaves bottles of wine on your desk. A-mazing! This is about the third or fourth time that he's done it, so I am hoping it's become a habit. 
• Ditching out of work a few hours early and walking the few blocks to Pike Place. Even though the crowds are predictably overwhelming, I love the atmosphere. 

SUCKS

• That cold and hot feeling you get when you have a sunburn. Your skin is hot, but then you get the shivers. What is that all about? 
• Hearing an ice-cream truck, but never seeing it. Pure. Torture. I had cash and everything! 
• Scratches on your favorite CD. Sure puts a damper on car rides. 
• I couldn't think of another SUCKS, so I asked the Boy and he said, "back pain." He's been under the influence of prescribed narcotics for a week now - so yes, that sucks! 

I, Anonymous

Dear Girls who sat behind me on the bus ride home,

I usually use my 20-minute bus ride home to sit quietly and decompress from my day. You three girls, however, decided to ruin that.

Not only were you loud and obnoxious, but also the content of your conversation was inappropriate and at points offensive. I did not need to know the details of your dramas at work, nor did I need to know about the “retard” of a boss you have. You, the girl in the too small of a top, I don’t think your boyfriend would be happy if he knew you told all the passengers of bus 402 that “his penis isn’t that impressive.” I also didn’t ask to know how you were sent off to a “cultish” boarding school. You certainly didn’t need to continue on to say you got pregnant intentionally so they would send you home, when all they did was keep you there, make you have the baby, and have you put it up for adoption. I hope you saw the weird stares people were giving you, because you’re weird. Oh, and your use of the word “like” was far too excessive.

I am not sure if the three of you just aren’t aware of the etiquette of public transportation, or if you just don’t care. If anything, you need to gain some class.

Now, I am not saying you are terrible girls. I think we could be friends. I too have one foot that is bigger than the other, and like to keep up with the Kardashians. All I ask is that you either talk quietly among yourselves, or you wait until you get to a bar to have your conversations. Oh, and please, stop using the word ‘retard’.

Best,

Me 

Creature of Habit

When it comes to mealtime, I have to admit, I am a BIG creature of habit. I love trying new foods and seeking out new restaurants, but during the week, I stick to the same basic menu of six small meals:

Breakfast: Enormous coffee, steel cut oatmeal with various seasonal fruit. Lately, blueberries and strawberries.  

Snack: Apple with Almond butter  

Lunch: Salad with artichoke hearts, kidney beans, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, and balsamic vinaigrette. Sometimes I shove all of that into a whole wheat tortilla or pita.

Snack: Cucumber or bell peppers and hummus.

Dinner: This is usually the only meal the Boy and I get to share together on weekdays, and considering I am a vegetarian and he eats animals… dinner varies. However recently, we are in LOVE with Morning Star’s Chipotle Black Bean Burger, and have them with almost every meal. We eat them with brown rice and steamed veggies. We ate them last night on a bun with corn on the cob, and we may be trying tacos soon. Delicious.  

Snack: Coconut water with a splash of pineapple juice. It’s healthy, but also hits that late night sweet tooth.

I predict that once Fall hits I’ll be eating a lot more soups and warm meals. I really want to try out this Black Bean Soup recipe… and this Mac&Cheese! If you have recipes you would like to share, or suggestions on how to spice up my dull diet,  send them my way!   

Presently…Me

If not in Seattle, I would live in...an old stone house in the South of France, with a red tile roof, ivy growing on the walls, wisteria and grape vine shading the terrace, and lavender filling up garden beds next to olive, and apricot trees, and of course there would be piles of books,wine and cheese in the house. 

My current obsessions are...Soy-no-water-earl grey-tea-latte, waiting for the new Lo&Sons bag to be available, planning vacations, those last few moments of cuddle time in the morning, and my pup. 

                              

I channel my childhood self when I....doodle during class, roller skate and buy from an ice cream truck. 

My perfect wedding will be….a party I just show up to. Other than picking out my dress, I want no part in the planning process. I don't want to be stressed out on my most romantic day.

If I had to be outdoors all day I would...pack a picnic and hike to the top of Cascade Head (where I grew up) and just stare at the ocean's waves all day. 

My favorite qualities in a man are... Humor and Loyalty 

My favorite qualities in a woman are...Confidence and Kindness

I'm terrified of...drowning and getting my heart broken.

My dream car is a...vintage Toyota Land Cruiser retrofitted for energy efficiency.

My cocktail of choice is...Whiskey Sour with 2 cherries

My celebrity crush is...John Mayor and Emma Stone

My friends and I like to...celebrate each other. We all work so hard, but equally give support and encouragement to make our dreams come true.

If I could go back in time for one decade it would be...1960's. I was either reincarnated and I used to be a peace-loving-hippie, or I was born in the wrong decade. I would have loved to be among the generation that fought for Civil Rights.

As a teenager I was totally into...boys, cheer, the concept and act of love, leaving my small town and creating myself.

I tend to splurge on….shoes, purses, organic produce, and bedding.  

Nostalgia

Refreshed. Rejuvenated. Connected. Inspired.

 These are my feelings after spending the past 4 days in Oregon. 

I drove down my parents' driveway and felt my eyes well up with tears, "I'm home". Emotions came over me as I saw the house that built me. My room isn't my room anymore, but the house smells the same. There's just something comforting about walking into the kitchen and the spoons are still in the same spot. However, I did get a little frustrated when I didn't know how to operate the new refrigerator. 

While I didn't want to have an itinerary, there were a few things that I did want to do while visiting home: eat at Kyllos, eat at Cafe' Mundo, Red Cock, sit on the coast.

Lunch at Kyllos

Walk the beach with Mom.

Before making my way North, I grabbed coffee and headed towards the sand. Again, I got emotional. The ocean means so much to me. It's the one thing that I could always depend on. The one constant. Throughout all the emotional drama a teenage girl can endure, the ocean was where I would run to. While sitting with my back on a piece of driftwood, I stared at the sea. I made a conscious effort to remain present. I did not want my mind to wander to thoughts of traffic, class, bills or how I forgot to change my voice message to 'out of office'. 

I don't know when I will be back to my hometown. I sat in the sand and allowed all my senses to work their magic. I was recording that moment in my mind. The smell of the salt, the grainy but soft feel of the sand, the sound of gulls squawking and the waves crashing, I watched the tide come in. I was even aware of my disappointment with the bitter taste of my coffee.  

After about an hour of meditation, I pulled myself away and said "see ya later" to the ocean. I began the trek up to Portland. I didn't get too far. For nostalgic purposes I had to make a pit-stop at WOU (old stomping ground). The campus has been altered, and the students walking the streets are unfamiliar. Why does everything have to change? I heard someone shout my name, and to my surprise it was an old friend. A familiar face!! 

Before committing to the drive to Portland, I make one last stop at the best place to induce a carbohydrate coma, my old work: Great Harvest. I've missed you Apple Crunch, Cranberry Almond Oatmeal, and Groovy Granola! 

To top off a fabulous mini-vacation,I have someone to celebrate! Happy Birthday Melinda!!!

My long-extended-long-overdue weekend was amazing and consisted of everything I needed. I am so grateful for my family, friends, the ocean, the tires that got me to where I needed to be, laughter, and even the tears. 

Quote of the Day

"To thoroughly understand the world, to explain it, to despise it, may be the thing great thinkers do. But I'm only interested in being able to love the world, not to despise it, not to hate it and me, to be able to look upon the world, me and all beings with love and admiration and great respect." 


                           Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse 

Puppy Love

I love our pup, Theo. He is absolutely adorable. He is smart, loving and for the most part he is obedient. 
He can sit, stay,lay down,wait,come,roll-over,shake, and I even taught him how to high-five.


With all that said, sometimes he gets a little restless and feels the need to destroy something.A few months ago, he decided it was time for me to stop learning about multicultural counseling. 

I wanted Spring Quarter to be over too. 

 Today, while I was at work, the Boy sent me a photo of the latest damage….

Yes, this is our couch cushion completely torn apart. WTF? 

Awesome. 


We came to the conclusion that he was obviously trying to tell us something: We need a new couch. Ha. No, he obviously has some energy he needs to release. As good pet owners, we obeyed and took him to the dog park. We hoped he wouldn't misinterpret this as a reward… 

Car Ride 

Obediently "waiting" for the command to run off and play

Puget Sound - not a bad place for a dog park 

He always chooses the bigger dogs to befriend

Play.Play.Play. 

Puppy Love. 

 Next time, I hope he'll just ask. 

Hooray for Kale

Baked Kale Chips

We bought a juicer about a month ago - so of late, our refrigerator is stuffed with vegetables and fruits. It's not a bad thing, but sometimes we can't get to the produce fast enough to juice. I decided to try this recipe in order to save my delicious Kale from going limp. 

It's delicious! And so much healthier than a bag of chips! 

Ingredients

• 1 bunch kale
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 teaspoon seasoned salt

Directions

1. Preheat an oven to 350 degrees F . Line a cookie sheet with foil.
2. With a knife carefully remove the leaves from the stems and tear into bite size pieces. 
3. Wash and thoroughly dry. Drizzle kale with olive oil and sprinkle with seasoning salt.
4. Bake until the edges brown but are not burnt, 10 to 15 minutes.

Super Suck Sunday

Super 

• Completing my first year of grad school. I survived! 
• I get to go home next weekend! A visit to the coast is long overdue, and I'm counting down the seconds until my feet are in the sand.  
• The simple pleasures of a Sunday morning. Getting to sleep in, waking up to a sweet note, relaxing with the pup…and watching a marathon of Sex and the City. Super. 
• Celebrating a bachelorette! Going to a Red Sox game, AND riding a mechanical bull. I lasted a lot longer than I thought I would, but my thighs are feeling it. 

Miss Emily. She'll be a married woman in four days! 

This nice guy politely asked me if I would like him to stop the bull if my ass shows. 

Obviously I didn't think through wearing a dress, but luckily I chose the right kind of underwear. 

Sucks 

• Forgetting to zip your fly. I don't know why, and I don't know how… but for about three days now, I have been caught with my fly down. How does that happen? Small degree of embarrassment. 
• Getting a J-walking ticket. I didn't get one, but I watched a girl get handed one. Super sucks, right? Might just be better to wait for the light. 
• Having a GPS that does the opposite of what it's supposed to do: it gets you lost. I'm terrible at directions as it is, I need my British girl to be reliable! 
• The weekend is over already….