Process Recording

Pin It

The thought of observing a murder sentencing was overly intriguing. Perhaps I am a bit morbid, or maybe it's my fascination with the justice system and it's relationship with social work; regardless, I was excited to observe. The result was one of the hardest and most complex professional experiences I have had. This means a lot, considering this was only my second day of practicum. 

As I enter the courtroom, I see the defense attorney setting up. “This is JUST like Law & Order!” No, not really… these aren’t actors. Photos of the victim are displaying big smiles, a family Christmas, and a life. The victim’s family and friends begin to enter the room, and it begins to feel a little more real. They are mourning the loss of a loved one. What are they feeling? Sadness? Anger? What will happen when the defendant, the alleged murderer, walks into the room colored in orange and his hands bound behind him?

My mind and heart are split in two. One side: Professionally, in the field of Social Work, I must be thinking about the client. In this case, the client happens to be up for sentencing. His charge is murder, but that shouldn’t matter. As a social worker, I must consider all aspects of the individual; the holistic perspective that we call our foundation. As the judge enters, and we all take our seats, I feel as though I have taken a side. The entire left side of the room seats the victims's family and friends, and they are there for one reason: Justice. The defendant is pleading guilty. He did it. However, he states that he didn’t do it on purpose. It was not intentional. The prosecutor and the victim’s family has a chance to speak. I almost lose it. My mind splits.

Tears begin to well up in my eyes. I tried to tilt my head back, praying that the lids of my eyes could contain my emotion. My emotion: The victim, who is dead and unable to tell his side of the story, had friends, a mother, a partner, and a child. The defendant, who I (now being apart of the defense office) am supposed to defend, and be on “his side”- took that man away from them. Or did he?

The mother, speaks of her son through sobs and wipes of a tissue. She talks about his laughter, his honesty, his impact on his family, and on her. Through all her emotions and anger, the mother finds it within herself to feel sorry for the defendant. She turns away from the judge, looks at the man who killed her son and says, "I'll  pray for you." The victim’s partner mentions the love they shared, and her foreseen struggle with how she will explain all of this to their daughter. The heart-wrenching question of: how can she grow up without her father? As I hear sniffles from the left, a tear rolls down my cheek. I stare at the back of the defendant. I’m burning a hole through his jumpsuit, ”How could he?” The prosecutor was obviously convincing. She illustrated the defendant to be a hardened criminal. A drug dealer out to get what he wanted. A life? As the defending attorney rises, as it is now his turn to speak, I think, ”How on earth is he going to pull this off?” 

Wait. When did I lose sight of the social work part of me? At this point I am completely confused. What should I be thinking right now? What should I be feeling? Is there a right or wrong? The Defense speaks of a drug-deal gone bad. A situation where the defendant felt his own life was in jeopardy; self-defense. He shot the victim in what he though was a “less fatal” place. He ran off and didn’t even know he had killed him. He didn’t take money or drugs; He just ran. My mind is swarming, and I am back on his “side". I start to think of the societal issues that have led to this. Why drugs? Why a weapon? Poverty. Lack of resources. Education. Hello social work. The defendant reads off his testimony. He apologizes to the family and states that he will forever be thinking about his actions, and he understands the consequences.

The judge had his fill and the verdict was made. Twenty some years in prison. The officers escort the victim’s family out – making sure not to have any contact with the defendant. Silence. He was quiet. I guess he had some idea of the outcome. I felt bad. Not for him, not even for the family at this point. I just felt bad. Empathy. Compassion. Urgency. My mind goes Macro. “What’s wrong with this world?” Just like that – two lives are taken away.