I, Anonymous

Dear Girls who sat behind me on the bus ride home,

I usually use my 20-minute bus ride home to sit quietly and decompress from my day. You three girls, however, decided to ruin that.

Not only were you loud and obnoxious, but also the content of your conversation was inappropriate and at points offensive. I did not need to know the details of your dramas at work, nor did I need to know about the “retard” of a boss you have. You, the girl in the too small of a top, I don’t think your boyfriend would be happy if he knew you told all the passengers of bus 402 that “his penis isn’t that impressive.” I also didn’t ask to know how you were sent off to a “cultish” boarding school. You certainly didn’t need to continue on to say you got pregnant intentionally so they would send you home, when all they did was keep you there, make you have the baby, and have you put it up for adoption. I hope you saw the weird stares people were giving you, because you’re weird. Oh, and your use of the word “like” was far too excessive.

I am not sure if the three of you just aren’t aware of the etiquette of public transportation, or if you just don’t care. If anything, you need to gain some class.

Now, I am not saying you are terrible girls. I think we could be friends. I too have one foot that is bigger than the other, and like to keep up with the Kardashians. All I ask is that you either talk quietly among yourselves, or you wait until you get to a bar to have your conversations. Oh, and please, stop using the word ‘retard’.

Best,

Me 

I, Anonymous

Ever have someone who really ticked you off? A complete stranger? Someone who cut you off in traffic? That person at the restaurant who gave really bad service? It happens to everyone… and we NEVER get to confront them about it! 

Why? Because we are rational human beings and can understand that it would be socially inappropriate to approach and inform them on how completely ignorant, rude, mean and stupid they are.  Well, I often visit The Stranger and they offer a very interesting and healthy column entitled: I, Anonymous. Anyone can write in and just vent about something (usually someone) that really pissed them off. It's fabulous, and fabulously entertaining! I am going to give it a shot: 

Please Stop

You may think that I enjoy our conversations about your trips to Grocery Outlet, and how/when you floss your teeth…but I don't. I know you may be perceived as a cute little old lady that just wants someone to talk to, but you're weird, you smell funny, and you don't understand personal boundaries. I don't like it when you creep up from behind me, scare the shit out of me, and then act like it was not intentional. You walk like a deer...IT WAS INTENTIONAL! Stop apologizing when you "overhear" conversations and then decide to insert yourself in them. Do you not understand social cues? You were not invited into this conversation. Please stop eating my food; I know it's you. Stop staring at my cleavage. Stop asking about my dog AND especially my cat. I act young, because I am young. My clothes will be different than yours, because I am not in my sixties. Among all things, please stop talking to me about Survivor, your jaw pain, hip pain, your creaks and cracks, and finally… your church. 

- Anonymous 

*I understand that this is not "technically" anonymous, but you get my point*