When Your Mother Says She's Fat

An incredible post for all women to read :

When Your Mother Says She's Fat

Fake It 'Til You Become It

Throughout life we are confronted with situations that challenge our confidence.  Whether it is a middle school boy trying-out for the baseball team, or a twenty-six year old preparing for an interview… the way we feel about ourselves impacts our performance.

At an early age I developed some form of adaptive coping when I was feeling …well, inadequate. I contribute it to being a military brat and having to change schools a lot. Often times being the new girl in town, I had become accustomed to getting attention and putting myself out there to make friends. I wasn’t confident, really; I just pretended to be.  I faked it.

This continued into college when I took leaderships roles on campus. I always had doubts about myself and my ability, but I figured… I must be doing something right. When I interviewed for my first big-girl-job sincerely having not a clue what I was doing, my only option was to figure it out. I needed a job! Then… the biggest one hit me: Getting into graduate school. Doubt flooded over me and I thought for sure I was going to be discovered as an imposter; I didn’t belong there. I’m not smart enough. I am going to fail. Alas, just like every other anxiety-provoking, confident-sucking situation (e.g., roller derby, CrossFit)… I put on my “I’m a badass face” and faked it ‘til I made it.

A friend of mine shared this video with me and it introduced a new idea: Fake it ‘til you become it. Amy Cuddy is absolutely right. In my experiences I held my head high despite of self-doubts, and never paused to realize I wasn’t faking it anymore. I’m seventy days away (who’s counting) from graduation, and I still haven’t given myself credit for accomplishing this perceived impossible degree. I am smart enough.  Holy crap.

We have the power to influence our own confidence levels just by changing the way we present ourselves to the world. There’s risk involved, of course. But the reward is great. My mama was right all along (imagine that)… “Believe in yourself first, and you can do anything.”  

Embracing Change

Change is a funny thing. While most of us would like to think of ourselves as flexible, adaptable beings, the reality is that the mere thought of change makes the best of us want to run and hide. Most people are creatures of habit and slight changes to our regular routines can turn us into stressed out, crabby people.

I had somewhat of a panic attack a few nights ago. I will be graduating in a few months, and I am beginning to look at job openings... editing my resume... possibly interviewing...
While lying in bed thinking about my next steps in life I was hit with the weight of doubt.

“Am I ready for all of this?”

After some reflection and tears of panic, I came to the following conclusion: I can be.

I reminded myself that I have got through this kind of change before. About four years ago (has it been that long?) I graduated from undergrad, applied, interviewed and landed a great job. I moved to a new state, a new city... adapted and survived.

Though there are some clear differences, my coping skills are the same... so here ya have it… how to: 

A Reminder on Happiness

How does that saying go? I have a lot on my plate right now? Without understanding that idiom myself, I will trust you know what I mean. I have a lot going on, and I am a bit overwhelmed. 

I have my eye on the future. Six months. I will be finishing my last class, completing my practicum hours, my partner and I will be looking for new jobs.... and a new place to live. Meetings. Papers. Resumes. Packing. Phew!

BUT.

While on this quest to attain what I want... I must be mindful of all I have...right....now. If I get tunnel vision and only focus on that light at the end of the tunnel (another idiom?) I lose sight of all the wonderful greatness around me. Sometimes reading this post helps, or making time for meditation. For now, I will jot down the happiness that is all around me, and remember to be zealously in the moment.

♥All my basic needs are met.

♥I am looking forward to a movie marathon with a friend.

♥I have a mom and dad who I know I can call, no matter what.  

♥I love going to the gym!

♥I think my pup understands me.

 

Birthday Haiku

Waiting for Friday

Celebrating A Birthday

Mel is Twenty-Five!

I'm leaving the Puget Sound tomorrow to head down to Portland. Time to celebrate another year with a best friend! A year ago today I wrote this post . We are all growing up so fast!

Looking forward to driving down to some good tunes, stopping by one of my favorite fast food places,wine tasting and celebrating!

Cohabitation

For anyone who has experienced living with a roommate, I think we can all agree that living with someone can be fabulous, joyous and fun. However, I will not be talking about the rainbows and butterflies of living with someone. You know, the late night chats and the building of forts in the living room? No no, I want to talk about pet peeves, frustrations, disagreements and the compromises.

Let me start from the beginning….

My brother, Tony. He would leave the seat up (as many boys do).He would leave his towel on the floor, which wasn’t too bad of an issue until it started to smell. We could never agree on anything to watch: I wanted MTV and he wanted the Simpsons. I was filing my nails too close to him and he yelled at me and made me cry.

I moved to college and lived with a girl in what-felt-like a 10x10 foot room. I would leave to take a shower and would come back to a dark room… left to stumble around dripping wet, searching for my desk lamp. She would eat my food. She would invite people over to watch ridiculous television. I came in one morning to find a boy in my bed. I did not put him there. When I went to check-out at the end of the year, I found melted ice-cream smeared all over my desk. Her last word.

I got to choose my roommates after that. Two of my best friends and then a random person none of us had met. This new girl liked to make macaroni&cheese and leave the cheesy pot sit in the sink for days. Her boyfriend would stay over. Every.Single.Night. He was always there; we all felt we had a fifth roommate. They even took showers together. One night we smelled an illegal drug coming from her bedroom. This wouldn’t have been too big of an issue if we weren’t in campus housing. She was a mean girl.

Currently, my roommate just happens to be someone I am in love with. This comes with its many benefits, but of course its challenges. Luckily, he puts the seat down religiously. I want him to eat my food. I want him to always be there. We agree on the age-old question of Over vs. Under. He loads the dishes, I unload them. Luckily, we both love baseball and football, so watching games is never in question. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t had our adjustments and readjustments. When Noah cooks, he cleans as he goes. I feel like I am doing enough as it is (i.e., cooking) and will worry about the cleanup later. This is a little gross to admit, and only my mother will know why I do this, but: I don’t always flush the toilet. It’s an old habit from growing up with a chronic septic tank/ flooding issue. Noah's towel does gets a little smelly, and I do wish I got the remote a little more often.

Fortunately, I have learned two things from my roommate experiences, the good and the bad: 1) communicating about the frustrations, as well as the appreciations is oh so important. 2) Compromising is the only way to come to a sustainable solution. If I would have told my first college roommate what was bothering me, I might have walked through the dark in a towel alot less. She might have left a light on for me.

And just so you know... I'm remembering to flush the toilet.

I’ve shared my horrific roommate experiences…what are yours?

Fries, Coleslaw or Rice Pilaf?

Even if you are a waiter for a short time, you are doomed to have waiter nightmares for the rest of your life. You go into work and your uniform is missing or you can't figure out how the tables are numbered or you've suddenly developed a limp. Your weird aunt, who was always hard to please, pops up at one table or someone who made fun of you in high school or an ax murderer is demanding their appetizer. You miss your wedding because no on will cover for you.

I was a waiter or as I like to call them, servers for almost 6 years at a restaurant in Oregon. They are "Nationally Famous" for their clam chowder. Little do the tourists know, the chowder is actually potato paste with a few cans of clams thrown in. The cooks just add a gallon of whole milk and boil the pot. They even sprinkle a bit of sand in there to make is taste a bit more authentic.

At the time, the place was run by a despot named Steve, who, when he was through screaming at us at staff meetings for our various and sundry infractions - bleach stained aprons and snide attitudes and tardiness and wastefulness and our overall failure as viable beings - he would make the startling pronouncement that the greatest achievement of our lives was that we were working for him. He usually said this to me while staring at my boobs. WTF? Without a doubt, Steve was the most loathsome person I had ever met, and if somehow someone could manage to avoid his wrath and last more than two weeks on the waitstaff, that was, indeed an accomplishment.

Everyday I put on my waiter costume and my efficient-waiter smile and I went there and tried to make people happy enough to tip me 20 percent. And between taking orders, delivering food, and avoiding Steve, who nightly could be found hitting on tourist women, I could be found out back, watching the bay and dreaming of a better way to make money. Eventually, I would have to go back in. I would apply more chapstick and prepare to kiss more ass for tips.

Here is how to be a good server, which means getting large tips: always give an opinion when asked. The fisherman's salad is better than the caesar. The cod is so-so but the halibut is delicious. People love when you tell them not to have something. It inspires trust. Shake your head conspiratorially when talking about the shrimp skewers. That's it. The rest is common sense. Be nice but not intrusive, be relaxed but let them know you are in control. Get them stinking drunk.


Although I absolutely hated running around, pretending I gave a shit about how a stranger's day was, telling them what food not to eat, and pretty much bending over while getting treated like crap, but still hoping to get paid… I look back at it and think, "I never have to do it again."

These memories alone give me motivation to get through school. Now, back to writing my paper.

Defining Success & Happiness

This post was inspired by several encounters I have had over the past few months. Every day I work with clients who wish to pursue something that they feel will better their lives, make them happy, and overall make them successful. My clients come to me and expect me to have the answers; they expect me to provide them with success and happiness. What an expectation, right?

One particular client said, “I’ll get my degree and be successful. Then I’ll get married and have some kids, and be happy.”  I looked at him and said, “So, what is it you hope to be successful at?  What kind of company do you want to work for? What kind of work do you think will make you happy?”  He shoots me a quizzical look and in a tone that insinuates he is speaking to a moron, replies, “Whatever, whoever offers me the most attractive package, of course.” 

We all want to be successful, we all want to be happy, but if we haven’t bothered to define for ourselves what “success” and “happiness” mean, we end up chasing something vague and elusive, never really knowing if and when we have arrived.  While I am on my own path of defining what success and happiness mean to me, I share with you a philosophy and suggestions which may benefit anyone who cares to live what Henry David Thoreau called “an examined life”.   

   

1.       Recognize that you are a product of a “Success-Obsessed Culture”.

While the attitude and perspective of my client about his future appears both shallow and short-sighted, it should be anything but surprising.  He, like most of us, in addition to everything else he may have learned, acquired, or experienced, did not escape being a product of a deeply success-obsessed culture.  Despite the messages you may have received from your family, your church or your cultural heritage, if you were born and raised in North America, you were raised with a societal backdrop promoting the idea that success is the all-redeeming virtue and that the acquisition of status and wealth is the single worthy aim of life.  Through our parents, teachers, and coaches, through the media, the books we read and the movies we watch, the underlying message that persists is that the ultimate measuring stick of a life or a career is that of “worldly success”.  Success, by this definition, has little to do with the level of happiness, purpose, or engagement one might be experiencing in their life or work, but by how many letters come after their name, how much money they make, how far up the professional ladder they’ve climbed, the current value of their portfolio, yada, yada, yada.  

William James, considered a modern father of psychology, once referred to “the moral flabbiness of the bitch-goddess success” and described the culture’s craving for success as a “national disease”.  We’ve all seen how the compulsive, unexamined obsession with success can run amuck in the life of a person, a workplace, or a community.  Symptoms of this “national disease” include peptic ulcers, broken marriages, crazy lifestyles, and the most universally accepted addiction of our time – the addiction to work.  This fast-paced, manic, success-driven society as we have come to know it values speed over pace, effort over effectiveness, adrenaline over purpose and busyness over discernment.  Driven by the desire to be Number One, to produce the smallest, the cheapest, or the first to arrive on the market, we often confuse change with growth and innovation with progress.  As writer Robert Holden put it, “In our relentless pursuit of success, we are all fast-forwarding to nowhere in particular.”  In short, we have sacrificed much of our sanity and our wisdom at the altar of “supposed success”.   We’re surely driven; we’re surely busy, even if we ain't too smart.  

2.       Live on your own terms and by your own definitions.   

Here’s the good news that I am trying to remind myself daily. I am going into Social Work after all, you know, a field that you often feel powerless as the problems are so vast and hard to grip.

Society’s terms don’t need to be our terms.  We can be acculturated and we can rise above the conditioning of our culture.   We can sleepwalk through life and live according to other people’s standards and definitions, or we can wake up and determine the course we want our own life to take.  But it begins by knowing where we’re going, why we’re going there, and what direction will take us there. 

Life doesn’t equip us with meaning, we apply meaning to Life.  Everyone responds to the notion of a “dream home” but what constitutes a dream home for one person would be a living hell for another.  What’s yours -  a high rise condo in Upper Manhattan, a rustic cottage on an obscure beach, or a tent pitched under a million stars somewhere in the Rockies?  If we care to live an examined life, does it not follow that we have to examine carefully what it is that inspires us, what motivates us to do what we do, and what is behind our current ambitions?  Clearly, our definitions matter.

3.       Knowing how much is “enough”.

While the vast majority of people in North America will tell you that their primary reason for working is to make money, making money is not a pursuit itself, but a tool for pursuing something else.  Money itself has no inherent value – the value is produced only when we exchange money for other things.  Whether it’s making the rent, the acquisition of a new purse, the thrill of a trip around the world, or the security of a retirement plan – the true value of money is only produced when it is exchanged for something else. 

In our collective and largely unconscious pursuit of money, we should be asking what it is we are really bargaining for, what we hope to gain in its exchange.  This is important because financial experts repeatedly remind us that most people don’t know how much money they really need to do the things they want, and thus, often wildly overestimate or underestimate how much money they need in exchange for their desired life.  I am definitely guilty of this. According to near-unanimous scientific research, pursuing wealth for wealth’s sake won’t get you very far.  A certain amount of money produces happiness and a bit more produces a bit more happiness, but beyond that, the correlation between money and life satisfaction is null.  How will my client discern the most “attractive package”, if he doesn’t know what it is he is ultimately trying to attract?  How do we know how much money is “enough” if we aren’t clear what it is we are hoping to exchange it for?

4.       Own the price exacted by your ambitions. 

In the pursuit of money and success, we can certainly be ambitious.  Ambition can be a wonderful thing – it is a force that inspires vision, drive and determination to accomplish whatever is in our mind’s eye.   The fundamental issue, however, is what we are being ambitious about.  Each of us must discern for ourselves the answers to questions like the following:

Are your ambitions supporting you in becoming your best self or are they exacting a price from your soul? 

What are the potential benefits and sacrifices of attaining the kind of success you seek?  

Are you choosing your ambitions or are they choosing you? 

Are the values and emotions driving your current ambitions the ones you would purposely choose to have behind the wheel of your life?

Who/what are you trying to please, impress, persuade, or influence through your current ambitions?

Who/what share the cost of your ambitions in terms of your time, energy and attention?

These questions and others like them lead us back to our personal understanding and defining of success and happiness, purpose and meaning.  I remember a friend who told me that he was here “to play” – the world for him was one big playground.  He was a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie who continually pushed his limits through adventures like hang-gliding, deep sea diving, parachuting, etc.  Another friend used the words of Mother Teresa to describe how she most wanted to live her life – as a love letter to God.   Is it any surprise that she wants to spend her life advocating for the rights of the poor?  Both were extremely ambitious, but in very different ways.

5.       Think of success as a stopping place rather than a destination.

Personally, I have very little affinity to the concept of “being successful” in general terms, although I am willing to use the term in relation to particular events.  In other words, I can relate to “success” simply as a place along a road, a temporary stopping place, or an experience such as an ‘A’ on a paper, a planned surprise that went off without a hitch, or a client lands a job.  Likewise, there are specific achievements that herald “success” like earning a degree or a diploma, or landing a position.   At times like these, we certainly know what it is to enjoy “moments” of success. But who gets to a place where they can say, “Okay, I have arrived.  I’m there!  I have achieved all the success I set out to attain. I get to sit on my glory now.”  I don’t know about you, but if and when I ever did arrive at that place, I would be looking for a new definition of success!

I don’t think human beings are made for being perfectly content in the here and now, at least not for a very long “here and now”.  An hour of sitting by the ocean, sure.  A week of holidays in Tuscany, I’m in.  But we don’t just want to be happy in life; we want to be engaged, challenged, curious, growing, surprised, and evolving.  Wouldn’t we prefer to experience the entire spectrum of human emotions than to hang out indeterminately on the “happy end” of the life scale?  Isn’t growth the only evidence of a vital life? And if so, doesn’t growth require a reaching and a stretching beyond what is comfortable? So even if there is a “there” in terms of achieving some level of success, it will only satisfy for a certain amount of time before it becomes the new starting point by which to judge the next “there”.  As George Bernard Shaw put it, “I always dreaded the thought of success.  I prefer the continual state of becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.”

6.       Clarify and define what success means to you in its many shapes and forms.

While we were raised in a culture that defines success in the narrowest terms, usually relating it to one’s financial and professional achievements, the trajectory of our lives is wider, deeper, and more complex than what is reflected on our resume or in our bank accounts.  Our understanding, definitions, and perspective on success need to reflect that more expansive and diverse spectrum of life experience.  While one is grappling with vocational issues, she may be rockin’ in the realm of her physical exertion and stamina.  Another has failed to reach his financial goals, but has earned the title of “Employee of the Month” by his inspired colleagues.  In the same way that “Success” is more temporary than permanent, it is also far more multi-dimensional than it is unilateral.          

With that in mind, consider how you define “success” in the following dimensions of your life:  What would mark your success in each of these areas, letting you know when you have met each of these goals or aspirations?   

Education and Professional Goals:

What do you hope to achieve in relation to your education?

What do you hope to do or accomplish in relation to your current job or your career goals?

What does “success at work” look like to you?

What talents and gifts have you been given that you want to most fully develop and put to use in your work?

What would you like to be part of or contribute to in relation to your community or to your profession?

Acquisition Goals:

What do you want to have, save for, and acquire? 

What worldly goods or possessions would make you feel as if you have succeeded in some way? 

What does your dream home look like?

What belongings or possessions will tell you that you’ve “made it”? A house that’s your own, a fabulous shoe collection, or the funds to travel around the world?

How much money do you need to make to feel like you have “arrived” in your field? 

How much money do you need to make or save in order to feel accomplished and comfortable as a breadwinner for your family?

Personal/Relational/Spiritual Goals:

What kind of person do you want to be? 

What qualities and attributes do you wish to develop and earn a reputation for? 

If you were famous for anything, what would you like to be famous for?

What legacy do you hope to leave those you love?  

What part do you want to play in the lives of others? 

What are you here to give and teach the world, and what are you here to learn and receive?

7.       Live the questions.

This list only scratches the surface of the many questions worthy of our time and attention as we come to terms with our own definitions of success.  I will be adding to the list, and I encourage you to add your own to the list.  Likewise, be aware of how the responses to these questions and others like them will change and morph over time, as we “live the questions” as Rainer Marie Rilke so wisely advised us to do. 

I think it’s valuable to take the time to consider and be clear about what we are willing to sacrifice in order to have what we want to have and to do what we want to do, because in the end, what will matter most is who we are and what we have become.  In this noble venture, my friends, I wish you great success!

Presently…Me

If not in Seattle, I would live in...an old stone house in the South of France, with a red tile roof, ivy growing on the walls, wisteria and grape vine shading the terrace, and lavender filling up garden beds next to olive, and apricot trees, and of course there would be piles of books,wine and cheese in the house. 

My current obsessions are...Soy-no-water-earl grey-tea-latte, waiting for the new Lo&Sons bag to be available, planning vacations, those last few moments of cuddle time in the morning, and my pup. 

                              

I channel my childhood self when I....doodle during class, roller skate and buy from an ice cream truck. 

My perfect wedding will be….a party I just show up to. Other than picking out my dress, I want no part in the planning process. I don't want to be stressed out on my most romantic day.

If I had to be outdoors all day I would...pack a picnic and hike to the top of Cascade Head (where I grew up) and just stare at the ocean's waves all day. 

My favorite qualities in a man are... Humor and Loyalty 

My favorite qualities in a woman are...Confidence and Kindness

I'm terrified of...drowning and getting my heart broken.

My dream car is a...vintage Toyota Land Cruiser retrofitted for energy efficiency.

My cocktail of choice is...Whiskey Sour with 2 cherries

My celebrity crush is...John Mayor and Emma Stone

My friends and I like to...celebrate each other. We all work so hard, but equally give support and encouragement to make our dreams come true.

If I could go back in time for one decade it would be...1960's. I was either reincarnated and I used to be a peace-loving-hippie, or I was born in the wrong decade. I would have loved to be among the generation that fought for Civil Rights.

As a teenager I was totally into...boys, cheer, the concept and act of love, leaving my small town and creating myself.

I tend to splurge on….shoes, purses, organic produce, and bedding.  

Process Recording

The thought of observing a murder sentencing was overly intriguing. Perhaps I am a bit morbid, or maybe it's my fascination with the justice system and it's relationship with social work; regardless, I was excited to observe. The result was one of the hardest and most complex professional experiences I have had. This means a lot, considering this was only my second day of practicum. 

As I enter the courtroom, I see the defense attorney setting up. “This is JUST like Law & Order!” No, not really… these aren’t actors. Photos of the victim are displaying big smiles, a family Christmas, and a life. The victim’s family and friends begin to enter the room, and it begins to feel a little more real. They are mourning the loss of a loved one. What are they feeling? Sadness? Anger? What will happen when the defendant, the alleged murderer, walks into the room colored in orange and his hands bound behind him?

My mind and heart are split in two. One side: Professionally, in the field of Social Work, I must be thinking about the client. In this case, the client happens to be up for sentencing. His charge is murder, but that shouldn’t matter. As a social worker, I must consider all aspects of the individual; the holistic perspective that we call our foundation. As the judge enters, and we all take our seats, I feel as though I have taken a side. The entire left side of the room seats the victims's family and friends, and they are there for one reason: Justice. The defendant is pleading guilty. He did it. However, he states that he didn’t do it on purpose. It was not intentional. The prosecutor and the victim’s family has a chance to speak. I almost lose it. My mind splits.

Tears begin to well up in my eyes. I tried to tilt my head back, praying that the lids of my eyes could contain my emotion. My emotion: The victim, who is dead and unable to tell his side of the story, had friends, a mother, a partner, and a child. The defendant, who I (now being apart of the defense office) am supposed to defend, and be on “his side”- took that man away from them. Or did he?

The mother, speaks of her son through sobs and wipes of a tissue. She talks about his laughter, his honesty, his impact on his family, and on her. Through all her emotions and anger, the mother finds it within herself to feel sorry for the defendant. She turns away from the judge, looks at the man who killed her son and says, "I'll  pray for you." The victim’s partner mentions the love they shared, and her foreseen struggle with how she will explain all of this to their daughter. The heart-wrenching question of: how can she grow up without her father? As I hear sniffles from the left, a tear rolls down my cheek. I stare at the back of the defendant. I’m burning a hole through his jumpsuit, ”How could he?” The prosecutor was obviously convincing. She illustrated the defendant to be a hardened criminal. A drug dealer out to get what he wanted. A life? As the defending attorney rises, as it is now his turn to speak, I think, ”How on earth is he going to pull this off?” 

Wait. When did I lose sight of the social work part of me? At this point I am completely confused. What should I be thinking right now? What should I be feeling? Is there a right or wrong? The Defense speaks of a drug-deal gone bad. A situation where the defendant felt his own life was in jeopardy; self-defense. He shot the victim in what he though was a “less fatal” place. He ran off and didn’t even know he had killed him. He didn’t take money or drugs; He just ran. My mind is swarming, and I am back on his “side". I start to think of the societal issues that have led to this. Why drugs? Why a weapon? Poverty. Lack of resources. Education. Hello social work. The defendant reads off his testimony. He apologizes to the family and states that he will forever be thinking about his actions, and he understands the consequences.

The judge had his fill and the verdict was made. Twenty some years in prison. The officers escort the victim’s family out – making sure not to have any contact with the defendant. Silence. He was quiet. I guess he had some idea of the outcome. I felt bad. Not for him, not even for the family at this point. I just felt bad. Empathy. Compassion. Urgency. My mind goes Macro. “What’s wrong with this world?” Just like that – two lives are taken away. 

Oh Baby!

Okay, so it will be a LLLOOOOOONNNNNGGG time from now (Sorry, Mom)… 

but when I have a baby, I will totally be doing this. 

How amazing is this? 

Here's a cute video of a couple finding out their baby's sex. They asked their doctor to write down "boy" or "girl," and without looking, they gave the piece of paper to a baker. Then the baker made a cake—with either blue cake for a boy, or pink cake for a girl—covered with white icing. Finally, that night, the couple invited friends and family over while they cut the cake...and revealed the cake color!