Compassion Fatigue

If you're sick

broken or addicted

and trying to hold on...

Important thing to remember

get hurt and die or

heal and recover

In which case

everyone can get over it

and you can keep more friends that way

"It’s the hanging around in between that really pisses people off”

their attention span for compassion is limited

they hate to be reminded of being human

It’s not what we do best

It’s not that they don’t care

They do!

They are very happy if you became well

     they just want an outcome

     they just want to know if they’re going to a funeral or a parade

in which case

their out fits are ready

They do not know what to wear when you are in the middle between dying and recovering

They do not know where to put the emphasis in your name

which direction the corners of the mouth turn

They do not know what to say when co-workers ask casually about you

simple water cooler conversations become eulogies of the person you were

They say your name as if re-enacting the agony you're in

Time takes time

that’s exactly what they're trying to hold onto

and it is all you need.

We Americans have heroes

not patience.

We have special little places to put loved ones

not healing quick enough

children can’t stand to see their heroes fallen

shitting themselves

drooling

memories fading

bones brittle

and hearts patched up

So we put them in a safe place

sit them in a wheelchair

overlooking a beautiful lake

sending beautiful flowers

periodically

to brighten their room

It makes us feel compassionate

We roll out the fallen heroes

through back doors of airports

so the public can’t see the

causalities of freedom

Like an 18 year old soldier hit

by a road side bomb

that ripped off his legs

we can’t bear

to see our tough soldier

in pain of missing his boots

frantically reaching above his head

where he last saw them

instead

we support them by

sighing in grief

when we hear their name on T.V.

or applaud them in their return

with pale faces

and painkiller grins

It makes us feel compassionate

We do not want to hear that

Corporal Jones just had his 12th surgery

and is now starting an

18 month physical therapy session and

is back to reading green eggs and ham

We want an outcome

Not the process

We throw the word support around

like the word freedom

   Support our troops

   Support our friends

   Support our loved ones

The word support means:

To bear the weight of

To hold up

To be capable of bearing; withstand

To keep from weakening or failing

To give of yourself and time

The hardest part in all of this is seeking no reward

We think support is

keeping them in our thoughts

Where?

between my ass itches and I need to get laid?

I’m here for you

Where?

between cell phone calls

text messaging and

Google Calendar appointments

When can you schedule me in?

Let me know if you need anything

I do

I need your bearing

Our problem isn’t lack of health care

It’s the lack of caring for someone's health

for life

the fragile parts

It’s the time given

to let bones fuse together or

withdrawals to dissipate

It’s dealing and recognizing we are so

very

v e r y

small

and easily

broken

We run faster than we heal

we shouldn’t wear watches

no longer gauge our days by

the ticking of the clock

but by our number of breaths and

a weak heart beating stronger with each breath

It’s simple

these days are simple

they move slow like concrete

asking for help is hard

a phone becomes

an eight' hundred pound weight

so please stop saying

you’ll pray for me

pray with me

don’t just ask

if there is anything you can do

just be there

show up

become patient

bear with me

Social Work

This work. . .

exhilarating

and exhausting

drives me up a wall

... and opens doors I never imagined

lays bare a wide range of emotions

yet leaves me feeling numb beyond belief

provides tremendous satisfaction

and leaves me feeling profoundly helpless

evokes genuine empathy

and provides a fearsome intolerance within me

puts me in touch with deep suffering

and points me toward greater wholeness

brings me face to face with many poverties

and enriches me encounter by encounter

renews my hope

and leaves me grasping for faith

enables me to envision a future

but with no ability to control it

breaks me apart emotionally

and breaks me open spiritually

leaves me wounded

and heals me

-Laurel Tepper

 

Super Suck Sunday

SUCKS:

1. Having to deal with public restroom grossness. Whether it's someone who didn't flush, or a lingering smell... it's surprising how disgusting women's restrooms can be.
   
2. April showers. We had plans to go to the Tulip Festival on Saturday, but decided to cancel due to the rain. Hopefully the weather will be better next weekend.
3. Friday night is usually gym night. So, Friday... we ran a 5K. Remember... I DO NOT RUN!

That's all I can think of .... there's a lot more SUPER going on.


SUPER:

1. But hey!! I completed my first 5K! Yea, although I absolutely hate running, I was surprised at how well I did. Maybe I'll sign up for a 5K sometime soon. :)
   
2. Receiving compliments from complete strangers. C'mon, every girl needs her ego stroked every once in awhile. 
3. My birthday is in 10 days! That's pretty super! 
4. Finding new makeup! I have fallen in love with Bobbi Brown! Her makeup is a bit pricey, but I love how long it lasts and how natural it looks. 
5. Applying for Graduation!!!!! 60 days away!!
   

Tibetan Singing Bowl

Before each morning meeting at my internship, we take a brief moment to center ourselves using a Tibetan Singing Bowl. A strike of the bowl creates harmonic overtones that naturally evoke a deep feeling of relaxation.  For an office that often manages crisis and conflict, the purpose is to begin each day by taking a moment to focus on the present.

After 6 months of these meetings, I wanted to purchase one for myself. Call it Pavlov’s Dog, or what have you… the single strike of the bowl gives me immediate awareness of my breath, my thoughts, purpose for the day, and gives me overall mindfulness.  

My life has been a bit hectic (to put it lightly) and I’ve started using my bowl to end my day as well. Often times I lie in bed at night and recount all that happened throughout the day, what I didn’t get done, and what I need to do the next day; this ritual is of course counterproductive to sleep, and creates more stress, thus contributing to countless nights of insomnia. To me, hearing the sound of the strike is a signifier that another day has ended. I close my eyes and think of all the tasks I completed, the people I spoke to, the emotions I felt…. I take a deep breath in, and I ….. Exhale. That release of breath is an acceptance of my day. The day is over. Nothing more I can do. That breath is peace.

In a world full of stressors and pressures, self-care is an essential part of maintaining balance and energy. Can you tell I am a social worker?  I have friends that do yoga, lift weights, or just veg out with some bad* television. How do you handle stress? What helps you stay focused and productive?

*The Kardashians, Housewives of what-have-you, Honey What’s her ****

An Event: Classes Complete!!!

I could barely sit still, let alone pay attention yesterday. I am officially done with my graduate coursework!! 

Is it June yet???

 *My break-out dance moves were not captured, but know... they were fabulous.

Last Class!!!

Tomorrow is my VERY LAST class of my MSW program. I've already submitted my FINAL paper, and all I have to do is try and be mentally present tomorrow. It's hard to believe....

All I have left to complete are Practicum hours. These past three years have been rough, and I am oh so excited to just kick my feet up and relax in my hooded gown. :-)

Cheers to an amazing weekend!

100

More days until graduation.

A Book to Read: Trauma Stewardship

As I am reaching the end of my graduate school career and will soon be crowned a social worker (holy crap), I am becoming more aware of what is happening within me as I work with clients.  To be honest, I feel I've reached a point of empathetic saturation. Every day I am a safe person for my clients to talk to about their joys, successes, difficulties, fears and traumas. I am exposed to their suffering, and I am affected by it.  I find myself leaving the office drained, overwhelmed, and carrying the weight of their heartbreaks.

I purchased the book, “Trauma Stewardship” by Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky a few quarters ago as it was highly encouraged by an instructor.  A little ambivalent, I never cracked the spine. Perhaps I was too stubborn to acknowledge a book that suggests I may experience what we in the biz like to call… “Secondary Trauma”.

My stubbornness has been overpowered with a few recent experiences, and needless to say I reached out for the book for rays of hope. Hope for what? An awakening…. Affirmations….Guidance.

I devoured this book in 3 days (this is huge considering I haven't read a book for pleasure since the first Twilight), and can’t even begin to describe my feelings of serenity. Here are just a few lines that stuck with me:

“Maintaining compassion for ourselves and others is of paramount importance as we explore our trauma exposure response. “

“If we allow our happiness and sense of success to hinge on things outside of ourselves, we will wait for our well-being indefinitely.” 

When I tell people what I am going to school for, I wince every time I get the, "Oh my goodness, you're an angel." or the "I don't know how you do it, I could never do that!" Here, Laura speaks to this: 

"The way people react towards us in response to our work makes the impact of trauma exposure more profound because it increases our sense of isolation, and isolation is one of the staples that keeps systematic oppression firmly in place."   

I recommend this book to anyone who does frontline work to ease the trauma of others. This book offers a great reminder that we can make a difference for others, without losing sight of our own self-care.  

“Checking in with yourself about why you are doing what you're doing can make all the difference in understanding that you have a choice."

A Poetry Lesson

Over the weekend, I started my LAST class of graduate school. As I am typing this... I am doing a happy dance. Picture rhythmic bouncing in a desk chair. Only three more class sessions to go. 

One of the in-class exercises was to write a poem. Oh, the joys of a social work program. We sit in circles, share our feelings, color with crayons... and write poetry. Our task was to write a Diamante Poem - fancy, huh?

Here's the instructions:
Line 1: one word feeling (subject/noun that is contrasting to line7)
Line 2: two words (adjectives) that describe line 1
Line 3: three words (action verbs) that relate to line 1
Line 4: four words (nouns) first 2 words relate to line 1, last 2words relate to 7
Line 5: three words (action verbs) that relate to line 7
Line 6: two words (adjectives) that describe line 7
Line 7: one word ( subject/noun that is contrasting to line 1)


Here's what I wrote*:

Hopelessness
Unheard, Rejected
Aching, Crying, Yelling
Heartache, Frustration, Compromise, Respect
Listening,Understanding,Comforting, 
Securing, Healing
Hope 

*I just wanted to note that while this poem might seem a bit depressing... the assignment encouraged us to write from the perspective of our clients. 

A Shift In Thinking

There will always be complaints throughout the day. The traffic was horrible. The neighbors are loud. That bill is how much? I'm hungry. Sometimes it's hard to focus on the good. Sometimes the perceived problems are easier to identify than the joyfull blessings.

In just my few weeks at my new internship, I can feel myself drastically changing my thought process.

Happy 1st Day of Fall

When people think of fall, they may think of the colorful changing leaves, warm sweaters, nostalgic flavored lattes and of course, pumpkins…. 

Normally, my head is filled with those glorious things as well. After all, fall is my favorite time of year. 

However, THIS fall… I am thinking, "This is my LAST year of grad school!!" as well as, "Please… let me get through this." 

So, I grab my mug filled with warm pumpkin flavored coffee and say to you….

"Cheers to fall, and the loss of my sanity." 

An Event: Sandra Fluke

The next few campaign months will be both inspirational, and outright maddening. Depending upon which party you are standing with, of course. 

In this moment… I have chills and I stand with Sandra Fluke.  

->Watch This Video<-

What A Glorious Weekend

Although my Saturday was spent in a windowless classroom, I really enjoy the class I am taking this quarter. The teacher is interactive, entertaining and very knowledgeable. The class is on the DSM-IV-TR where we will be learning about how to effectively assess mental health disorders. The new DSM is expected to be released next year, so many of the conversations are regarding the changes being made; some good, and others not so good. Being excited about this class truly accentuates my nerdy nature.

Sunday started with a yummy homemade (Noah makes the best) omelet. We packed up the pup, and headed to the outdoor mall where dogs are allowed to go into stores. I think we like getting all the attention for our adorable pooch. The weather was surprisingly perfect, so we shopped around and had lunch outside.

A midday nap, some laundry and grocery shopping was my version of a perfect weekend.

Ahhh…. Now… to get in the groove of Monday.

Stood Up

I am writing this post from a coffee shop in Seattle. It's a bit past 3 on this sunny Friday afternoon, and I have been stood up twice. TWICE. Two clients have neglected to attend our scheduled meeting.I have an hour until my next client, and my fingers are crossed that he will show. It couldn't happen 3 times, could it? As I am enjoying my impromptu ceprese sandwich and an iced-vanilla latte', I can't help but be pissed off. At a risk of sounding completley narcissistic, this is my learning that's being screwed up. I have expectations for this internship. Don't they understand I am trying to help them? Then...the social worky side makes its way through. There's a reason why they need my help, and assessing motivation and more complexed barriers is why I'm here. The trick is getting them to attend their appointments... Yikes. Happy Friday, folks. *Updated: I DID get stood up by the third client. 3/3 no shows...

Pretty Much

…..How I am feeling about my pile of readings right now. 

                                                                               Ugh…..

Superhero Status

My career goal as a Social Worker is to assist in the prevention of recidivism. Regardless of what crime they have committed, working with the offender population is a passion of mine, and I advocate for people who don't have a voice.

I am excited to say that I have made my first true impact on the cycle of incarceration. My client, whom I have been working with for a few months, will be released from custody soon. When he is released he will have full access to housing and mental health/chemical dependency treatment. He is prepared for the difficulty that will come, but he said that for the first time, he's doing something that's good for him.

This is why I do what I do.

I am so excited for him.

And I feel awesome….

{Social Work: Made Up Words}

You know, it's really hard to write a paper when the majority of the words I write have that annoying squiggly line underneath it. I am not misspelling words, no no. I am using words that have been made up by the Social Work profession, and Microsoft Word has yet to catch up!

For example:

Cissexual

Allyship

Heteronormative or Heteronormativity

Antiassimilationist

Effemimania 

…..To name a few.

So, can any profession just MAKE UP words??!! WTF? 

Okay… back to the paper. 

{Recommended Read: Whipping Girl by Julia Serano}

As an assigned text for my Gender Theory class, I am reading Julia Serano's, "Whipping Girl". As a transexual women, Julia shares her experiences pre- and post-transition. This is not a confessional tell-all that non-trans people seem to constantly want to hear. She does not tell about the details of sex reassignment surgery and hormones in gory detail. The intent of her book was to debunk many of the myths and misconceptions that people have about transexual women, as well as gender in general. She breaks down sex, gender, privilege, feminism and love. 


This book might make some uncomfortable, as the subject is still ridiculed and severely misunderstood. This book is personal, analytical and will challenge you. 


A recommended read. 


My professor has arranged for Julia to Skype into our last class. We have the opportunity to ask her questions, and hear directly from her. I feel honored and am looking forward to it. 


Check her out: 

An Event: Punishment & Inequality in America

Today nearly 60% of black male high school drop-outs have spent some time in prison.  Starting in the 1990s, the "tough on crime" mentality has created a complex web of increased policing and surveillance; the decimation of economic opportunities; and an ever-increasing racial wealth gap, which has continued the vicious cycle of crime, poverty, and broken communities. In his groundbreaking book, "Punishment and Inequality in America" Professor Bruce Western of Harvard University, explores the root causes of mass incarceration and the interlocking systems of economic and racial oppression in our communities today. He further describes the heavy burden of racial and economic inequality and severe punishment on the very fabric of our society.

Tonight, I get to see Professor Bruce Western and others expose how mass imprisonment shapes our society and how communities are struggling to deal with its consequences before, during, and after a prisoner serves time. Topics include racial disparities in the criminal justice system, support for former prisoners, and how programs that facilitate the transition from prisoner to citizen can serve an economy in distress.

I am extremely excited that I have the opportunity to attend such an event, and can sit among others who have a passion for equality.

Super Suck Sunday

SUPER

• All the makings of Fall. The cool crisp mornings, the changing leaves, and the pumpkins all make me very,very happy. 
• I am actually getting used to being in the office at 7AM. I have my routine down. Of course, I am completely coffee dependent…but at least I am functional. 
• Finding two new healthy addictions: Roller Derby and Hot Yoga! Both have made me sore and sweat like a pig, but it feels fantastic! My hopes are someday to be apart of the Rat City Roller Girls. Check out their awesomeness: 

• Spending a day with my Dad! We got to shoot the crap outa some targets, and we enjoyed a delicious home-cooked meal. I didn't know I was such a good shot! 

Our Targets

Dad, Tina & Noah

Pops & I

Noah - shootin crap

I've never looked so tough.

SUCKS

• Crying at almost every court sentencing I go to. I am told that it's good that I get emotional, because it means I care and still have a heart. Really? Watching a 2 year old wave goodbye to her father who was just sentenced to 15 years in prison HAS to illicit some emotion, right? 
• Now that I have stated my dependence on coffee - doesn't it suck when your coffee sucks? I spent many years working as a barista, and I know how to make a damn good latte'. When I take that first sip and it's bitter, weak, burnt or all the above… I'm pretty upset. 
• Sitting in 115 degree heat and 40% humidity and you hear the words, "Don't drink any water". I'm sorry, what? My mouth was officially desert status - all I wanted was water!! 
• Restaurants that have AWFUL vegetarian options!!! It's absolutely frustrating when the only thing you can eat (without modifying everything) is a salad! Stay tuned to future posts on this matter.